I can unconsciously get caught up in the capitalistic, patriarchal need to pursue, to do, to prove myself. To prove I am worthy of my existence. I often find myself pursuing my spiritual practices so I can awaken more, getting caught up in the belief I must awaken more to fulfill my life’s purpose.
I can relentlessly pursue healing from complex post-traumatic stress as a way to better myself, to make myself more whole, to fix myself. Even after many awakenings and recognizing I am whole as I am, my mere existence is my worth; I still get caught in the need to pursue. I see in this need deep roots of the belief that something is wrong with me, and the deep roots of trauma induced shame. My heart collapses and contracts to protect myself from the pain of feeling like a failure, and then through some moment of grace, I remember that every breath I take proves the worth of my existence. Nothing more is needed.
I often recall the words of a beloved teacher who once told me that the human heart is infinite, it is our birthright. I call on my ability to sense the infinite capacity of my human heart and to feel that infinite capacity, I must slow way down.
I remember again to drop the pursuing as it causes me to contract my being and I am unable to know the infinite capacity of my heart. So, I slow down. I let go the pursuing. I accept all my experience exactly as it is. In the slowing down, the sensation is as if all of space is rushing to meet me and there all of infinite space is available to me and I can accommodate the all the sensations of my expansive, sensing human heart.
Last fall, I experienced what I consider to be a radical awakening in my process of healing from trauma. In that moment, which occurred over several days, I felt as if the trauma which had been trapped in me, was entrenched in me from continual activation, had finally stopped.
Even though the events of the trauma had ended years ago, it had continued within me, year after year, my body, my psyche, my emotions, unable to differentiate the repeated activation from the actual trauma.
The radical awakening was a stunning period of differentiation.
My parents are taking time to allow the person who abused me into their home. They have told me he is coming to let me know not to come over while he is there. They will let me know when he is gone. The abuse was so long ago.
Now the early morning sun is slowing rising above the edge of a passing cloud bank. The cloud filtered light shines across to the western mountains, making it appear as if the light is emerging from them rather than resting on them.