Last fall, I experienced what I consider to be a radical awakening in my process of healing from trauma. In that moment, which occurred over several days, I felt as if the trauma which had been trapped in me, was entrenched in me from continual activation, had finally stopped.
Even though the events of the trauma had ended years ago, it had continued within me, year after year, my body, my psyche, my emotions, unable to differentiate the repeated activation from the actual trauma.
The radical awakening was a stunning period of differentiation.
What I had always felt as something inherently bad, wrong, weak in me, I suddenly understood to be a natural reaction to trauma. I now knew this deep in my being.
This led me to a place of deep acceptance of myself. A place of deep self-compassion. A place of deep appreciation for the continual acts of survival which had been my life to that point.
I have sought healing throughout my life, engaging many modalities. I feel that the years on that path were mostly about survival. The rubber band effect of trauma activation letting me move through healing only so far, before it pulled me back deep into the darkness. Causing me to feel as if I wasn’t making any progress. I wasn’t getting any better.
Now, I feel like the real healing is happening. Healing which sticks. It isn’t lost in activation. Now, when I am activated, I more readily see it for what it is, activation. I can call on all the practices I have strengthened over the years to support me. To help me breath through the storm until it has passed.
It is an ongoing process. It will take some time, all the time it needs, but I feel the healing deep in the cells of my body in a way I have never felt it before.
I know all the years of practice – writing, meditation, study, continuum and more – are what have made this unfolding awakening possible. Even though it felt like I was only in survival mode through so much of my life, those practices were affecting me in ways I wasn’t aware. They were working the ground of my being, planting seeds, which are now germinating and taking root in me.
A personal process of healing is emerging for me. I am calling it Healing Process Immersion.
Writing has been a long-time practice of mine. Two particular forms of writing practice, Proprioceptive Writing and Writing Practice as taught by Natalie Goldberg, have been key practices for me. The Healing Process Immersion is built on these forms and also incorporates the fluid, body awareness which Continuum practice has seeded in me.
I write without stopping and allow the sensations in my body to lead the pen across the page. I enter a flow-state. I have no concept of what I will write. My being writes me. I know deep healing has occurred when I put the pen down and I feel a wide sense of expansion, a sense of occupying all the space that is available to me.
I audio record the write; add music, and sometimes video. It is then a Healing Process Immersion. I listen and let it take me into meditation and continuum, which invites the healing to unfold even more in me.
This video “a fish becoming aware of water” is a Healing Process Immersion. It is intimately my experience. I wonder, though, if it might also be an invitation to healing for others. I’m interested to hear what you think.